The usual BREAKdown

At their child care center Michael and Sophie rock circle time by naming shapes and colors on flash cards, counting to twenty and back, singing the ABC's, listening to stories, and dancing and playing with their friends.  They bravely run off to play at drop-off time and are typical toddlers at pick-up, greeting me with giggles and kisses while a little reluctant to leave their school toys, snacks, and buddies. 

But bring in grandparents and Santa for the center's Christmas party, and I get two munchkins attached to my knees.  At parties and playdates with unfamiliar kids in unfamiliar places, it's the same.  Eventually they warm up, but those better social skills that time in quality child care is supposed to cultivate are non-existent for at least the first fifteen minutes.

It even takes some nudging to get the kids to brave the masses of kids at the mall play space.

I took Michael and Sophie to a gymnastics playdate with my MoMs group during my holiday break from work.  I wasn't surprised that as the kids lined up to go into the gym, Michael and Sophie got clingy, wanted "up-up-up," and didn't really participate in the guided activities on the mat. They didn't want to leave my side to go in the blow-up castle or jump on the trampoline.  The rest of the bunch as far as I could tell was fully engaged and happy.  As always, Michael and Sophie warmed up over time, but also as always, it concerned me.

A number of thoughts have been circling in my mind in a more focused search for an explanation and a solution.

a) Our family time is limited by our various schedules, so we haven't really made room for structured activities. On weekends we play catch-up, getting groceries, doing laundry, and visiting family. The rest of the time then and on weeknights is when we like to just soak up time with our kids, playing at home or on outings, primarily without unfamiliar adults or kids involved.

b) My job forces us to be early risers (5:30 or 6 AM most days), so by a mid-morning event Michael and Sophie are nearing lunch and nap time, starting their tranformation into Sleepy and Grumpy.  Same goes for events around dinner time.  That window until bedtime is small.

c)  Since we don't do any classes or playgroups like we would if I stayed home all year, Michael and Sophie just aren't used to that kind of experience.  They can follow their teachers' directions and interact with other kids at their center, but outside of that setting they freeze up.  Perhaps they're even worried that I'm about to drop them off at these places they don't know with a bunch of essential strangers.

d) Michael and Sophie are little for their age, like 5th and 10th percentile little.  They seem to get intimidated by taller, faster, bigger kids.  I noticed this even when picking them up from the gross-motor room at their center where the kids are roughly their same age but jump and climb rambunctiously while Michael and Sophie are more likely to just hop and dance. 

e) I'm more of a fine-motor and cognitive activity kind of gal with neither athletic abilities nor interests.  I taught the kids to play Memory this week, and that was a major highlight of my holiday break, I loved it so much.  Mike balances me out a bit on that one, but he too loves quality time with good book or puzzle.  The kids seem to be the same, perfectly content to color or read or build with blocks.  I aim to get the kids outside once a day for fresh air and to help with sleep, but I rarely find they have excessive energy when we miss a day.  Perhaps encouraging more active play would boost their confidence. 

About to get all competitive!

f)  I'm a paranoid mama, I know it.  Our baby registry included Angel Care Monitors and Clouds and Stars sheets to ease my fears of SIDS.  I make the kids hold my hands everywhere, and we only recently turned their car seats forward-facing.  There was even some serious soul-searching involved this week in taking the kids sledding for the first time, stifling memories of Ethan Frome and the loss of Mike's brother (car accident, not sledding).  My paranoia about Michael and Sophie's physical safety could be affecting them.

Taking all of that into account, Mike and I have talked about signing the kids up for swimming, dance, music, or gymnastics classes for the last year or so. Long story short I have now looked further into some gymnastics classes for this spring and maybe summer, and we plan to make this happen when registration opens in February.

And of course my mind does wander again to that question that will forever plague me: Would my kids be better off if I stayed home? Maybe. Dare I say probably?  Perhaps their vocabulary and social skills are stronger than they would have been.  But will they be more disruptive in elementary school?   Am I at least happier putting my degrees to work and contributing financially to our family? Would a bigger home have been the possibility that it is currently?  Will it even happen now?  Hello, last few days of a break from work--this happens every time.

The kids were scrambling around the living room last night as I vented all of this to Mike. At the words "better off," Mike's smiling are-you-f-ing-kidding-me face said it all. Our kids are fine, beyond fine. Brilliant, compassionate, hillarious, and gorgeous more like it.

 But we're going to work on this.  I know I'm probably thinking harder about this than necessary, but that's what I do.  :)

Oh, good, I'm healthy.

I guess it figures that on a day that I stay at home with Michael and Sophie (due to Sophie being sick), a study like this would be making the rounds.  It concluded that working moms are typically "healthier" than stay-at-home moms, but moms who work part-time are the big winners.

Whatever.

Although I admittedly turn a jealous shade of green around moms who have part-time and/or work-from-home arrangements, I shake my head at this study not out of bitterness.  I feel contempt because to work or not to work (like to breastfeed or not to breastfeed, disposable diapers or cloth, minivan or crossover, public or private) is a choice that ultimately comes down to what is best for your specific family in your particular circumstances.

For some moms the to-work or not-to-work choice is a no-brainer, but for many others including myself it just isn't. After a year and a half as a full-time teacher and mom, the choice I made to work still sends me spinning now and then.  Ultimately the ride winds down as I land on the belief that I'm giving Sophie and Michael the best upbringing I can with my family's arrangement.

I sort of feel the need to explain this further with our daily/weekly/yearly routines and a glimpse into our finances.  I'm going to resist that.  Those details are specific to us and probably wouldn't really offer much insight for anyone reading this. 

The fact is that this decision is a complex one.  It's not a matter of choosing to be either a stereotypically warm and nurturing stay-at-home-mom or an equally cartoonish cold and distant working one.  Nor is it between being a healthy and fulfilled working mom or a depressed stay-at-home one with heart disease. 

The conclusion of my own study conducted over 33 years of living in this world is this:  there are both stay-at-home moms and working moms who suck at parenting.  Both can also be amazing.  Generalizations do absolutely no good.  The last thing any well-intentioned family needs as they weigh the many options along the parenting journey is judgemental commentary.

I do appreciate that the study and USA Today article emphasized that part-time work for moms is healthy for everyone involved and that this option is not a realistic one for many when health insurance, career advancement, and other benefits are typically limited for part-time employees. I would love it if that was what our culture took from this research, and employers and others with the power to make this a more workable option for families would attempt to do so.

But the local news story I saw on this study didn't empasize that messsage, and neither did the people who commented on the online article.  My gut reaction to this study, the contempt, frustration, and overall annoyance is really about the divisiveness. 

It seems our society has a hard time looking at the full complexity of issues like this, and that, along with health insurance and a savings account, leads me to kiss my kids good-bye in the morning and head back to my classroom.

Hello Good-bye

When I returned to work last month after our second summer together, the kids went through an emotional phase.  Sophie would snuggle and follow me around in the morning, tears flowing as soon as my purse appeared.  For weeks they both kept a close eye on Mike and me when out of the house together, sounding the alarm if one of us strayed too far or out of view.  But now that the routine is re-established, the tears are rare and usually alleviated in the morning by asking the two of them to wave good-bye out the window. 

With so many greetings and departures over the last few weeks, Michael has also developed a sincere and heartwarming "bye-bye."  He likes to say it and wave at the ends of books and before naps and bedtime.  Sometimes he pokes his foot out of his sleep sack as I'm zipping it up and waves with his toes while he says it.

With construction on my work commutes, non-stop technology problems at work, and added pressure and responsibilities for teachers in general, returning to work has been less than smooth this year.  But I'm feeling more at ease now, and Sophie and Michael clearly are as well--it's surely a reciprocal kind of thing. 

Off we go to another school year!

Just some of your everyday ridiculousness

Last summer Mike and I unknowingly scheduled our individual dental cleanings with our family dentist on the same day, one hour apart.  At first we thought we had a child care conflict.  Then we realized this arrangement would work perfectly.  We'd meet at the dentist at 5:00.  I'd bring the babies and their dinner and get my teeth cleaned first while he fed them in the lobby.  At six I'd take the babies home while Mike got his teeth cleaned, and he'd pick up dinner on his way home.  We did that six months later and then again today.

When I chatted with the hygenist at the start of my appointment today, discussing the twins, my summer off, and going back to work for a second time this fall, she made one of my least favorite comments.  She said she really struggles with the idea of working once she has kids, but she knows she'll have to.  "I'd rather stay at home so I can raise my kids.  I don't want someone else to do it," she said. 

While I certainly understand her unease, as she clipped the paper bib around my neck, I assured her that even working parents are raising their kids.  A child care center, a nanny, or whoever watches your children while you work takes care of them.  You raise them.  "You'll see," I told her, a phrase that I try to use sparingly and positively as a parent talking to anyone are pre-kids.

When I returned to the lobby where Mike was packing up the kids' dinner gear, Michael and Sophie smiled up at me.  I gave their yogurty faces some kisses, and the receptionist told me I was very lucky.  I said thank you and that I agree.  "He just impressed me so much, feeding both of them like that."  Realizing she meant I was lucky to have Mike, I again agreed, saying I have a really great husband and that I couldn't imagine doing this without him.

It was later in the night that I let these two well-intentioned comments really get to me.  I wondered why nobody ever asks a man how he can do it, how he can go to work and let somebody else "raise the children"?  And why doesn't anyone ever tell Mike how lucky he is to have a wife who feeds the children, sometimes all by herself?

Why?  Because it's ridiculous.  And I'll leave it at that...for now.

EDITED TO ADD: I shared this post on a message board for working moms where I've gotten a lot of support in the challenge of merging career and motherhood.  The comments inspired me to respond there with the following.

As a working mom and a mom of multiples, I hear a lot of stupid comments and am typically pretty good at shrugging them off. I've heard both of these statements before, but since they were said right after each other like that, they just got to me and made me think about what's expected of parents today.

It's sad to me that it's typical for a woman, particularly prior to having children, to perceive working as "not raising her kids." Sadly, it's also pretty common for someone to find dads like my husband literally remarkable for being equal partners in the job of parenting.

I guess we're just in a transition between the expectations that were on the last generation of parents and those that more appropriately fit parents of today and hopefully the future. Unfortunately I think those who feel much of the growing pains are moms of today while dads are held on a pedastal for changing a diaper or two.

I also don't feel my kids are "better off" at child care. Both stay-at-home-moms and working moms are capable of providing great childhoods for their kids, but being one or the other doesn't inherently make her kids better off in my opinion.

Toddler Room Visit

It's August now.  For the last month or so I've put off thinking about the fall, but August always makes me.  So today we went to the child care center on our first of probably a few visits before I go back to work.  At that time Sophie and Michael will be in a toddler room, a new environment with new teachers, so I want to help make the transition a smooth one.

Like most adventures with twins, it began with me wondering how I was going to do this, literally how I was going to get Michael and Sophie into and out of the center this year now that we've retired the DSNG.  Last night when I shared my concern with Mike, he said we would carry one kid while pushing the other in an umbrella stroller, keeping one stroller in each car.  He said it so matter-of-factly that surely I already thought of this and told him the plan previously. 

During some play time early this morning I brought in one of the strollers, put Michael in it, and carried Sophie.  We gave Michael a little ride around the living room, making turns around the rug and into the hallway, confirming that these cheapo strollers can be pushed one-handed.  "My idea" is a good one.

The numbers were low at the center today, only six toddlers in attendance, so the two rooms for that age group merged.  We took a peek at the actual room where Michael and Sophie will spend three days a week this year, discussed with the director what supplies they'll need (a sippy cup for water, diapers, and nap gear), and then went to play with the kids and the teachers gathered in the other classroom.

We saw many familiar faces including several toddler friends who grew out of the infant room over the last year as well.  Still, Michael and Sophie weren't eager to mingle.  The kids and teachers sat on the classroom rug reading a book about the solar system, sang some songs, practiced a few signs, and even danced a little--all pretty familiar stuff.  However, I had to carry Michael and hold Sophie's hand, tugging her a little bit, to get them to join the party.  I sat on the floor with them, and before long Sophie stood up and walked into the crowd.  Michael stood up as well and reluctantly accepted a hug from an old buddy who was eager to play.

The teachers set up for art, and Michael and Sophie explored the room.  The big play kitchen and a couple of Sit and Spins signaled that we weren't in boring old Kansas anymore.  My buddies were pulling beanbag fruits and veggies off of a shelf--proof that they are in fact toddlers, according to the center director--when they were invited to make some art.  Sophie and Michael used white chalk to make a solar system on black construction paper and stuck star stickers onto it as well.  Sophie even ripped her paper to show her artistic sensibilities.  Such a divergent thinker.

Of course, after taking the time to ease in and get used to the environment, leaving was now tricky as well.  Sophie didn't want to give up her piece of chalk, and Michael discovered a big red phone and was chatting away.  I had to use the L-word (lunch) to coax them back home.

We'll go back again probably next week.  Like last year, these visits are partly for me, so I can envision them playing happily, knowing they are familiar with the people and surroundings of the center when I'm back at work. 

I've heard mothers debate whether it's better to go back to work when your kids are infants and are less aware but seemingly more delicate or when they're toddlers, seemingly stronger but more aware of your absence.  I am incredibly grateful for my two months at home with Michael and Sophie this summer and for being able to have spent several months with them after they were born, but I'm in no hurry to have experience on both sides of that argument.

My inner SAHM is satisfied.

Remember this?  I think it's time for a follow-up.

My worst fears about being a working mom in the babies' first year:

I would miss too much of their infancy.  The number one thing that helped me with that fear is remembering the first few months I spent at home with Michael and Sophie and how, no matter how much I held them or played with them, no matter how often I kissed them and snuggled them, I never felt what I was reaching for.  I learned that this love I have for Michael and Sophie means there just is no ENOUGH.  Home or away, that feeling is there.

An hour in the morning, several hours in the afternoon, weekends, and school breaks usually gave us a generous amount of time to play, reach milestones, and just live our lives together as a family.  But when I did find that I was feeling a sense of loss or sensed the babies wanted more time with me, I'd take a day off.  Spending a day in our jammies, living the daily routine of meals, diapers, play, and naps together always seemed to get us back in sync.

They would be unhappy or unsafe.  During a pick-up in their last week at child care before summer, Michael peeked out at me from a big climbing cube that he loves playing inside.  He was giggling and clearly wanted to share this treasure with me.  I started to feel bad about all he'll miss when he's at home with Sophie and me this summer.  How backwards is that?  But both he and Sophie have a ton of fun everyday at the center.  They learned to play and socialize with other kids in addition to the themed weekly lessons (I recently discovered they picked up more sign language than I realized), eat meals that set a standard of health we struggle to match at home, play on a fancy-schmancy playground, and are loved and known by their caregivers.  Obviously Michael and Sophie will be more than happy at home, but that flipside of my mommy guilt says something about how happy I know they have been this school year.

For two days a week my mom has also come to care for Sophie and Michael.  They have come to adore their grandma, and I'm comforted knowing there is another adult they feel so close to.  I had a similar bond with my own grandma, so I know I've actually given something to Michael and Sophie by providing this time.

As far as safety, I will always find something to worry about, but I know Michael and Sophie have been in the best possible hands.

Our bond would weaken.  My favorite moment of a work day was when Michael and Sophie noticed I had returned to them.  Often they would spot me kicking off my shoes through their classroom window or would hear me coming in the door at home.  But everytime their smiles were huge, typically accompanied by a squeal or two and an attempt to get to me as quickly as possible.

When company comes over or when we go somewhere new, Sophie in particular tends to turn into a spider monkey, clinging all fingers around the sleeves of my shirt and squeezing my sides with her knees, letting me know that holding her is the only option.  I don't love her anxiety and actually hoped that being in child care would prevent that, but I do love that I'm often the only person she wants in those moments.  Sorry, Mike, but I think that's how it's supposed to be.

These are just moments when I can see our bond is as strong as ever.  More importantly, I feel it.

They would be sick all the time.  Before going into child care, Michael and Sophie never even had the sniffles.  Since September there have been a number of colds and fevers, a case of pink eye, a couple ear infections, and many, many sniffles.  Overall, it hasn't been too bad, but there were a couple of rough weeks. 

There was one pretty bad bug that had nearly all of the other babies out of the infant room for a few days, but that passed Michael and Sophie by, thank goodness.  Perhaps there is something to the antibodies in breastmilk?

It would be too much stress.  Speaking of breastmilk, the absolute hardest part of the working mom lifestyle was breastfeeding and pumping.  Carting around all the gear, making time at work, getting to Michael and Sophie quickly enough in the afternoon, making sure I produced enough, and cleaning up and restocking for the next day was all pretty tough.  But with every dropped feeding it got easier and easier, and it was worth all the trouble.

It would be a financial mistake. Quality child care is crazy expensive, no question about it.  Fortunately I make a tad more than child care costs, and that tad came in pretty handy this year.  If I had stayed home, our finances would have been extremely tight, and I'm glad we had the flexibility to provide for our family's needs.

I would regret my decision.  I don't.  This was a great year.  I felt connected to my babies, was fully present with them in all of our time together, was able to provide for their needs, and am proud that I did it all as a breastfeeding, working mom.  In addition, I enjoyed a fulfilling year as a teacher (all politics and financial difficulties beyond my classrom aside) and look forward to the years like this one to come.

One more day...

I spotted this little mama leading her fuzz balls around the courtyard at work yesterday.  Made me miss my own ducklings! 

After tomorrow, I expect my life to resemble hers a bit more.

What's for dinner?

Sophie and Michael are getting to be finger food connoisseurs and sippy cup pros.  They eat cereal and fruit for breakfast, a meat/vegetable mixture for lunch, a vegetable and fruit for dinner, and a couple snacks like Cheerios thoughout each day. Most of their food is organic, whole grain, and is often fresh and homemade.  I've officially started weening them from breastfeeding by dropping one of those feedings a week and replacing it with organic whole cow's milk.  Their eating habits are off to a good start.

The trickier eating habits to maintain are mine and Mike's, but I think we're doing ok there, too.  Here are some habits that work for us:

1.  Like most families, we have some go-to recipes that we turn to pretty regularly because they're easy, healthy, or provide good left-overs.  The slow-cooker is almost a member of our family these days.  Here are a some of our favorites:

Sloppy Joe's
Way better than a seasoning packet or a can and almost as easy.

Alton Brown's Meatloaf
Not simple to prepare, but Mike makes this in cupcake tins for simple leftover lunch storage.  It's so yummy it really needs a name better than meatloaf.

Healthy Beef Stroganoff
Way, WAY better than Hamburger Helper's version...and almost as easy.

Mediterranean Roast Turkey
Half a dozen people asked me for this recipe the last time I made it and took leftovers to work for lunch including my mother in law who ate it with me when Mike was out of town. 
California Chicken

You can keep most of the ingredients on hand for this one to keep grocery lists to a minimum.
Alton Brown's Hot Spinach Artichoke Dip
This is my go-to dish to pass and is always a hit.  I'm happy to share this, just don't make it if I'm coming to the party, too!

2. Every weekend we make a menu for the week and a grocery list. We plan with leftovers for work lunches in mind, try to use food on hand to keep our weekly expenses in check, and both commit to cook on designated nights. We stock up on organic ground beef, hormone-free chicken breast, and other regularly used foods and household items from Costco about once a month to help with that as well.

3. Greek yogurt, 100 calorie packs, Skinny Cow ice cream treats, and fresh fruit are around for snacks. There's usually some dark chocolate stashed away for emergencies as well.

4. Instead of filtered pitchers, a water-cooler, or buying bottled water, we refill gallons of distilled water at the grocery store for 39 cents a gallon. We use tap water for coffee and for the babies, but Mike's not a fan of it for drinking...and he's rubbed off on me.

5. We keep several frozen lasagnas or stuffed shells from our local Italian market in the freezer for nights when our time or energy has run thin. We fall back on grilled cheese and soup or carry-out as needed as well. We don't let dinner stress get the better of us.

Please share any tips or recipes of your own that work well with a busy lifestyle!

The cure for thirty-thritus

I suspected this would happen.  I woke up this morning with thirty-thritus (symptoms include turning thirty-three, not really caring about that, and seeing going to work as less important than life at home for roughly 24 hours).  The only cure for such a condition is hours and hours of uninterrupted Michael and Sophie time.  Good thing I had the foresight to leave sub plans on Friday!

I don't normally take my birthday off of work, but these days I'm driven to relish in baby time when a reason (beyond just loving them and knowing how quickly this precious time will pass) presents itself.  So here I am relishing.  I can't think of a better way to show Sophie and Michael love on Valentine's Day than by spending more time on the floor playing, singing, and snuggling with them. 

And here's a bit of my morning with my little valentines:

Along with my 33rd birthday, this is Michael and Sophie's ten month birthday!  I'll probably attempt the typical monthly photo with the onesie stickers, but Mike and I made this one of our little "love bug" and "heart breaker" happen before he headed to work.

Happy Valentine's Day!

One eventful work week

MONDAY
On Mondays my mom watches Sophie and Michael, and when I came home from work she said she hadn't seen Sophie so moody in her entire five-month life.  And Sophie stayed that way, alternating between grumpily crying to be held and hanging out contentedly, for most of the night.  Mike and I attributed that to teething, getting over the first little cold she and Michael shared, and her just being a baby--literally.

TUESDAY
On Tuesday the daycare left a message on my cell phone that Sophie had a low fever and a light rash.  After talking to her caregiver, a nurse at the pediatrician's office, and her daddy, I arranged for Mike to take her in to the doctor midday.

Sophie was diagnosed with a virus (a cold, really), and Mike was told to just keep her home and to keep an eye on her for the rest of the day.  He brought Michael home at that point as well, and I stayed at work for a teacher's meeting, taking over baby duty (and doodie) once home so Mike could be available for a conference call that evening. 

Sophie slept uncharacterisically on my chest for hours, raising her head periodically to cry a tired and miserable cry for her pesky pacifier.  Michael also slept off the last of his cold in a Rock and Play Sleeper next to us, both waking up happily just before their last feeding of the night.  I read Sophie and Michael a story before bed, and they were both full of sweet smiles and coos.  Cuddling did us all some good.

WEDNESDAY

Michael fingerpainting an apple at the child care center

(sent to us in the daily email).

Two great achievements occured on Wednesday.  One, I worked it out with the daycare to have them hold off on feeding the babies their afternoon bottles for as long as possible so I could try to pick them up and feed them myself.  This routine is working on the days my mom is with Sophie and Michael, and it saves me from pumping a second time at work.  And we did it!  I left work as soon as I'm contractually allowed (instead of staying to pump), picked up my buds, and fed them at home.  I even had time to do the unloading routine beforehand.

Let me describe the second achievement this way.  Next Wednesday we will all leave from a dusty, dirty home and return to a clean one.  I even negotiated for a better deal than we were initially quoted for this bi-weekly cleaning service.  Wednesday rocked!

THURSDAY
My mom is a church music director and had a funeral to play on Thursday morning, so we arranged for Mike's mom to watch the babies instead.  I called home on my prep hour to be sure all was going well, and it was.  Gail brought her best friend Carol along, and they were having a great day.

After the call I started pumping as I always do, with my nursing cover over me in my empty classroom with the door closed and locked.  In the first few weeks I even hung a sign saying, "Do not enter.  Testing in progress," to further prevent any intrusions.  Had I done that on this particular day, I still don't think I would have prevented what transpired next.

I heard what any teacher would know to be a fight in the hallway.  This was not during passing time, so it wasn't accompanied by the chaos of a big audience, but I heard banging into lockers, a slap, and a girl yell "Oh, my God!"  Entangled in tubes and cords and with bottles of milk dangling from me, I knew I couldn't get to the commotion quickly enough, so I sent out an urgent email to the administrators and the office secretaries.   It said, "I believe I just heard a fight outside of my classroom.  I couldn't go out there."

Moments later there was a knock.  "Sorry, I can't come to the door," I answered.  Another knock.  Again, "Sorry, I can't come to the door."  I realized at this point that I should have just said what I was doing in my email.  I consider all three administrators to be friends, but only the school principal is female.  I knew the odds weren't good that it would be she who would soon be in my room.  I heard keys, the handle jiggling, more keys, and the door opened.  It was one of the dudes, of course.  He looked confused, I told him I was pumping, he apologized, and sent in the principal.  I told her what I heard, she also apologized, and I told her I was fine, totally covered, just sorry if I embarrassed anyone else.

Throughout the rest of the day I learned that the administrators frantically searched the halls, unsure if I was in my English classroom or the one where I teach art, and they thought for sure I was being held hostage in my room when I didn't open the door...oh, the times in which we live.  After looking at camera footage from the halls and seeing nothing distinguishable as a fight, my bosses are certain the stress of juggling twins and my job is getting to me. 

In all seriousness, I know what I heard.  I wish I was wrong, but I'm worried about those mystery students...

FRIDAY
I was out the next day with the school administrators and some other teachers to do some school improvement work, and I think all awkwardness from the pumping event has been dealt with.  In fact, despite everyone's attempts to be mature, I'm counting on some good jokes to come from this over beers one day.

This meeting, however, took place offsite at a college.  I stepped out mid-morning to pump in my car and all was great until I realized, because this meeting was catered by the college, that I didn't have my insulated lunch bag to store the milk in.  My solution was to get a plastic shopping bag from the college bookstore (just steps from our conference room), but I instead found a $5 insulated bag to buy.  Mainly I just didn't want anyone to go into the conference room fridge for a pop and discover a bottle of my bodily fluids starting back at them, so I put the bottle in this bag inside the refrigerator.  Remarkably, I even remembered to take it home.

Feeding the babies after picking them up from daycare worked out again, and I spent the evening on my own with them.  Mike was invited to dinner with his bosses and the company's president, and we're in favor of that kind of thing.  We all went to bed early and appreciated the end of one eventful work week.

Spending the currency of time and energy

I am very sensitive to clutter.  Not so much that I believe I have OCD, but I have to admit I understand the anxiety those who have it feel.  Dishes on a countertop or clothes on the floor are just irritations when there are empty dishwashers and laundry hampers in the world.  I've carried this philosophy into my classroom and have rarely left for home in the past with ungraded papers on my desk or let students leave strips of notebook paper fringe on their work or on the floor.

But, like so many things, this side of my personality has changed a bit since the twins arrived.  My love for systems, routines, and order certainly has helped to keep our home functional and organized even with the large amount of  baby gear that cycles through its 1200 square feet.  Still, there is an aesthetically unappealing baby bottle drying rack on my once bare--beautifully bare--kitchen counter.  Clothes pile up on my side of the bed since my own laundry hamper still lives in the babies' closet (it used to be my "extra" closet), and I choose not to open that sqeaky door while Sophie and Michael sleep.  I'm relieved that necessity seems to prevent my old clutter-induced tension from developing in instances such as these.

While I still feel compelled to immediately remedy any jumbled junk drawer that crosses my path, I now see my time and energy as a sort of limited currency to dole out each day.  Ideally, I want the majority of it to go toward my interactions with my babies, but it's not always that simple.

I've committed to give myself to my work to enhance the lifestyle I can share with my family, and if I'm going to be gone from Michael and Sophie for so many hours a day, I'm certainly not going to spend that time being intentionally mediocre. So for every task I face at work I ask myself if it's worth it. Can those papers wait to be graded until tomorrow? Will straightening the textbooks on my shelf make me a better teacher? If a task has no bearing on my effectiveness at work, then I'm going to save that energy for my babies.

Work is also inherently different this year.  In addition to tenth grade English, I'm teaching art for three periods. This is after teaching English exclusively for nine years, never intending to put that other certification to use (I just liked being an art student myself).  Despite my reluctance, a recent retirement and a state graduation requirement of a half credit of fine arts has put that certification of mine more in demand.

One of my art courses is currently engaged in an Op Art paper weaving project that I was assigned in my 2-D design class in college.  It's an exploration of line, how varying the widths of the paper makes parts of the final piece visually advance or recede, and it requires a lot of paper cutting. This results in piles of cut paper and many, many strips landing on the floor. Remarkably, I don't care much. Like the stickler I've always been, I make each class clean up around their work spaces and warn that I'll keep them after the bell if they don't do so thoroughly. The difference is I probably won't, especially seventh period.  Pushing my students to take pride in their environment is important to me, but I also have pumping to do and babies to get to.  I just have to hope the students never test me on what I know in my heart is now an empty threat.

I also have to determine the worth of tasks outside of work.  The most taxing part of my day is when I get home with the babies on their daycare days.  I enter the door with a work bag, a diaper bag, my lunch bag, my pump bag, and two babies in carseats.  I debate everyday whether or not to just leave the loaded bags on the kitchen table until I've played with Sophie and Michael and put them down for their last nap.  But everyday upon entering the door I immediately unload the bags of pumped milk, dirty dishes, bottles, soiled clothes, daily sheets, and pump parts.  I put the dishes in the washer, pump parts in soapy water, the daily care sheets in a binder, the diaper bag on the back of the nursery door, clothes in the hamper.  I change into sweats, use the bathroom, get the mail, grab a snack, refill my water, and get the babies on the floor finally for some truly in-the-moment mommy time.  Remarkably, Sophie and Michael have hung out contentedly in those car seats for the ten minutes or so that this routine takes.  Like going back to work, part of me feels guilty for taking this time away from the babies, but without a to-do list hanging over me, I feel freed to give all of my stored up and remaining time and energy to Sophie and Michael.

The last weekend

I start back to work officially tomorrow, but we enjoyed some nice family time on this last weekend of the summer.

At Sophie and Michael's four-month well visit, their pediatrician gave us the green light on starting solids.  She said to start with rice cereal.  A friend sent us a copy of Super Baby Foods , and we do intend to make some of our own baby food, but since babies less than six months old aren't ready for homemade rice "porridge" as the author calls it, we chose a boxed whole grain brown rice cereal for the time being.  Gerber's was on sale at Kroger, so we went with that one.  After three to five days we'll introduce some orange or yellow veggies, probably some sweet potato on Friday.  Our pediatrician and the book both encourage waiting that time to watch for food allergies.

Here's their first meal that we gave them on Saturday morning:

Mike fed Michael, and I fed Sophie.

They did really well.  Starting solids usually occurs between four and six months, and I feel confident that Michael is ready for this step (he's waking often at night after previously sleeping through, has doubled his birth weight, and ate very well).  However, I'm not certain we would be starting Sophie this early if she was our only baby.  She has just about doubled her birth weight but not quite, she still sleeps soundly at night, and she got a little fussy during her first feedings.  She doesn't seem to like waiting for the spoon, preferring the steady stream of milk she's used to.  I had to stop feeding her each time, concerned she's literally going to inhale the cereal while crying.  One concern with starting solids too early is respiratory problems, possibly caused by this kind of issue.  So we're taking it slow with her, just feeding her until she fusses.  Solids right now are just snacks between meals to get the babies used to the taste and texture, and a little trial and error is to be expected.  By six months the pediatrician expects Sophie and Michael to eat two solids a day, and I feel we're on track for that. 

Mike took the babies to his parents' house for a few hours on Saturday, and I stayed home to get some cleaning and organizing done around the house.  Michael and Sophie got some good Grammie, Grandpa and even Great Grandma and Grandpa time!

Mike and I enjoyed some good feedings of our own this weekend with the babies watching from their stroller.  We went for another pizza on the patio at The Pizza Cutter in Northville on Friday night followed by ice cream from Kilwins in downtown Plymouth (thought we'd change it up from our usual Rebecca's in Northville).  On Sunday we took the babies to Ann Arbor for the first time, eating on the patio of Grizzly Peak and walking around downtown. 

I can't resist dessert these days so we finished our A2 visit with some iced coffees and dark chocolate covered pretzels from Shokolad (we got some dark chocolate peanut butter cups and clusters to go!).

Daycare Day One

Today was Sophie and Michael's first real day at their child care center.  Here's the email their caregivers sent half-way through the day:

Good afternoon Infant families!

We’re having a wonderful day learning about veggies, fruits, and ways to stay healthy. To begin our day, we all got together for a healthy breakfast which included Cheesy eggs! Cottage cheese was mixed in with our eggs to make them fluffy; they looked amazing! We also enjoyed whole wheat toast, organic pears, and a glass of milk.

In our primary groups we continued to have a blast with our favorite fruits, veggies, and teachers! Ms. Amy’s group pointed to a carrot. Ms. Kim’s group rolled a cantaloupe, and Ms. Carrie’s group explored with grapes in a bag!

Then we got ready for a story! Eating The Alphabet by Lois Elhert was the perfect way to learn more about fruits and veggies. This appetizing alphabet book shows fruits and vegetables so juicy and alive, we wished they could jump off the page and into our mouths. We sure love fruits and veggies even more after this wonderful book.

Everyone loves to listen to their teachers sing, especially us! We enjoyed listening to the song “The Healthy Train” it is sung to the tune of “The Wheels on the Bus.” Here are the lyrics so we can enjoy your voices too:

The Healthy Train needs

Food to go, food to go, food to go,

The Healthy Train needs food to go

All through the day!

(Now add a food and sing the next verse)

The Healthy Train needs low fat milk,

Low fat milk, low fat milk,

The Healthy Train needs low fat milk

All through the day!

Add each of the following to the foods to the song and sing the last verse.

Fruit to go, fruit to go, fruit to go

Vegetables, vegetables, vegetables

Cereal, cereal, cereal

Lots of bread, lots of bread, lots of bread

Beans beans beans, beans beans beans, beans beans beans

Water to drink, water to drink, water to drink.

Then we pushed our sleeves up for art! Apple stamping was a great time, our teachers cut the apples in half, and we used our hands to move the apple all around on our paper.

Our little bellies were pretty hungry, so we got ready to have BBQ Chicken sandwiches for lunch! Homemade BBQ sauce and diced chicken were served on a whole wheat bun, along with organic apples, carrots, and milk. Snack this afternoon is sure to be a hit! We will enjoy animal crackers and applesauce! While we enjoy the applesauce, we plan to explore with it too! This will be a great sensory activity!

Enjoy the rest of your day!

They included these photos of Sophie and Michael as well on their first stroller ride around the center:

The center recently switched to a fully organic menu (they provide breakfast, lunch, and two snacks).  Once Sophie and Michael are onto table food, there's better stuff in store for them than we'll probably be giving them at home!  I watched the little infants finger paint some pink piggies when we did a pre-visit, so I'm sure Sophie and Michael participated in everything else in the day's activities.

It's certainly been challenging to leave the babies these last two days (yesterday with my mom) as I get ready for the school year.  Mike and I trust their caregivers completely and know that their safety and care is the top priority, so the struggle is just about missing them and hoping they're happy.  It helps tremendously that everyone seems to understand how tough this is for Mike, the babies, and me and is very patient with us as we adjust. 

I was told that Sophie was fussy for her first nap today and Michael had some trouble drinking from his bottle.  Their caregivers think she was overtired and that he was just distracted--sounds about right, and they did great and had fun otherwise.  I picked them up about fifteen minutes earlier than I will during the year and enjoyed feeding, playing, cuddling, and just generally caring for them in the hours remaining at home.  If we're protective of this time each day, there will be more than a good chunk of time to spend together.  Since quantity is limited now, we just really have to focus on the quality of the time we share.

Time with my babies is (sort of) priceless

Meet Mommy.

She exclusively breastfeeds, smooches toes and cheeks like an addict, and spends at least 30% of each day singing "Skinnamarinkadinkadink."  She's loving every second.

Meet Mrs. Liberty

She's attends school improvement meetings, enjoys the challenge of teaching Shakespeare and correct comma usage to grumpy hooligans, and is even starting to see teaching art this year as an unexpected opportunity.

Now, these two ladies may look friendly, but they are in a constant, raging cat fight.  I try to send them to separate corners, but then Mommy flings one of Sophie's mid-morning smiles at Mrs. Liberty, and Mrs. Liberty fires back with two hard-earned degrees and a savings account.  They're ruthless.

I found myself on the floor this morning smiling into a mirror with Sophie and Michael.  Immediately my brain started doing the math again.  What if I take one year off?  My contract allows that.  I could sub on the two days my mom comes and bring home, what, $150 a week?  Would that be enough?

This is where Mommy really lays into Mrs. Liberty.   Mommy sees her time with the babies as priceless.  There will never be another time like this with Sophie and Michael, so isn't even one year of getting by with no disposable income, no hair appointments or golf outings or contributions to savings worth it?  This family can get by on Mike's salary.  It would be very tight around here, but Mrs. Liberty doesn't HAVE to work.

But those two words "getting by" really make Mrs. Liberty cringe.  She's put a lot of energy toward building a career and getting finances set up for her family to enjoy a lifestyle that includes spending time on vacations and family outings and buying what is needed when needed without the threat of debt.  She can see how she may even be more energetic for her babies in those concentrated hours after work and on weekends, snow days, holiday breaks, and summer vacations with everyone's time divided into richer experiences. 

Mrs. Liberty won the round this morning.  The final blow was the bi-monthly home cleaning service she whipped directly at dust circling Mommy's feet.  Mommy just stared at it longingly, speechless for the moment.

Gearing up for going back

I took the babies in to visit their child care center again today after visiting last week for about an hour and a half.  On that day Sophie and Michael met two of their three caregivers, drank expressed milk from their bottles, and had some floor time with their new, gigantic friends.  The other babies currently in the infant room are all six months or older, sitting up, crawling, and occasionally tackling anyone in their paths.  Sophie and Michael did great that day with all of that excitement and even better today.

I planned today's visit so the babies would be ready for a nap while there, and they both slept for about 30 minutes in their assigned cribs.  Those aren't very long naps, but I'm thrilled Michael and Sophie were comfortable enough to fall asleep, even with the noise of their classmates playing just outside a curtained wall.  Sophie was a little unhappy when I first put her down in her crib, but in her Swaddle Me with her hands at her face like she likes and with a little soothing she dozed off.  Michael fell asleep in his primary caregiver's arms, but he woke up when transferred to the crib (pretty typical of him).  He didn't really fuss, just stared up at us with big, bright eyes, telling us that method just wasn't gonna fly.  I sat in a rocker with him, patted his back like we do at home, and Michael too drifted off.  He didn't stir at all, even with all the noise nearby, when I wrapped him in his Miracle Blanket in his crib.

I hung out with the three caregivers and the other babies while Sophie and Michael slept and felt a little nostalgic for my own child care work experience.  I worked for two years at a similar center in high school and college.  I started there as an assistant in the front office but spent most of my days there as a travelling sub and summer camp teacher.  By the time I left to work privately for a local family, I knew every kid and family there, was a highly requested sub in the building, and I knew I wanted my kids to go to a center like that one day. 

As much as I cringe at the portion of our income that will go to Sophie and Michael's center, I'm glad it is one with educated and professional caregivers and where they emphasize play-based learning, age appropriate curriculum, and lesson planning even at the infant level.  The super cool playground and organic meals that Sophie and Michael will enjoy soon enough also make us happy with our choice.  The fact that this is the only center in our area open from 6:30 a.m. to 6:30 p.m. allowing me to drop off before work when necessary is also key.  I've considered in-home centers and nannies, but I'm most comfortable with the flexibility, reliability, and professionalism of this option. 

When the babies woke up, I fed them again from bottles to get them used to eating that way there.  We left shortly after that, stopping in at the front office to confirm the details of their enrollment.  They'll be attending three days a week with my mom coming to care for them at home on the other two.  Generally with twins there's a rate for the first child and a discounted one for the second (like with any siblings), but back when we visited in December I negotiated to get the discounted daily rate for both.  It's not a huge savings, but every little bit helps!  I left today knowing that when I'm sitting through a full day of professional development back at work, as much as I'll long to be with my little buddies, I'll be able to fully picture what they're experiencing and will breathe easy...probably.

Back at home, Sophie and Michael have been napping quite a bit, making up for what they lost at the center.  I took advantage of that time to goof around on FB, return some emails, blog, and....watch my DVR'd episodes of General Hospital.  They did a sort of retrospective on Soapnet last night to gear viewers up for the return of Brenda today. 

Having spent several hours in a child care center and then some time watching GH from 1997, I'm feeling a bit like a time traveller.